His surroundings were a flurry of people and hustle and bustle without really focusing on anything until his vision crossed and centered onto her, and then everything became clear. She was beautiful. And she looked familiar to him. Then she turned and he remembered. He would always remember that face. His mind swept back to years ago, when his heart was still on fire and his hands were filled with her. A time when everything was beautiful and nothing hurt and before the realities of living came crashing down upon them. His breath caught when he caught her eye. Momentarily, a flicker of recognition, a slight smile, and she went on her way. He felt an emptiness in himself that he wasn’t acutely aware of until the encounter.

They were high school sweethearts. At 16 years of age they conquered the world together. The swing they sat as they pushed higher and higher like the many risks one is able to take when young. Their love was innocent and pure, untainted by the realities of adulthood. She was the class clown, and he had been that nerdy kid on the block who pretty much was only concerned with his academic pursuits and girls, the latter a case with all teenage boys. He didn’t really know what she saw in him or how he had the balls to ask her out but he did and here they were, holding hands and making out behind the parking lot at the grocery store. 

The first sign he felt things weren’t as good as they seemed was when they were 18 and she told him she wanted a short break out of the blue. Confused he looked to her for an answer but didn’t know what to say so he had let her be. A short break grew into a long one and one day he saw her with him in school, his hands wrapped around her butt. 

But that was 20 years ago. He got his shit together and even made a name out of himself. He wouldn’t call himself successful, but he managed to put food on his plate from his writing. Some of his books were flops but two of them managed to become sort of popular. Not really John Green popular, but enough for a good number of bookstores to offer his books for sale. That came with a bit of effort from extensive promotion and help from his PR. 

And being 20 years ago he got over her pretty quickly, for the world had so much tantalising things to offer to an impressionable youth of 18 years of age. He had a couple of relationships and his fair share of flings after her. But they were not quite as electric as what he had with her. At the back of his head he knew that that sort of electric only came with youth and from the purest sort of love where both parties pour their hearts out into each other, the sort of loving that would soon become tainted by time and experiences. But he couldn’t really convince himself and was always looking for that same electricity. Even now, at 35 years of age.

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the quiet turn of the tide

Every semester is slightly different. Different people are made significant in my life. It is now that I truly understand – appreciate the simple joys, cherish the people by your side, and no matter how dark the world can seem, there’ll always be a light shining somewhere as long as you seek it.

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biology is beautiful

biology is beautiful. we are all conduits for a bunch of nucleic acids to propagate on as long as it can. why do we become more? how do we become more? why do we think? thrive? be?

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hold me close ’til the morning light

recently, although i’m somewhat 1/3 into the school term, i’ve been catching up with a bunch of people this week, and meeting more new people than i originally intended to, which is almost always a good thing.

9 Sep: Went to Punggol Waterway Park for the first time in ages to attend an outdoors movie event. I met Valerie’s sister and cousin, Vanessa and Tiffany. I also managed to guide myself all the way to Punggol Waterway Point (and it’s the first time I visited this mall) plus all the way to the MRT, which was a pretty big achievement for me, plus I managed to guide them back to the park as well. It was my first outdoor movie event also hehe. Was a pretty good night!

12 Sep: So juncheng came all the way to school to meet with zihao and zihao asked me along so of course I’d go because I’m FOMO. Before that in the comp lab met someone new called Justin, who’s a year 3 phd student at muyuguang’s lab. So jc passed me the second book in the series and we talked a bit on 179 before heading our own ways.

13 Sep: Headed to town to watch the movie IT with Marcus. I must remember that the building I keep thinking is Scape, is actually Cathay Cine. Well this is the first time I actually admitted my personal aspirations to someone so completely that it felt liberating and that… it may actually be possible. I also realised that he’s pretty similar to me in many ways, and it’s really great to find someone like that – hey concert buddy/reading buddy/career buddy! Although idk if it was a date, but I’m really closing off my own options and I really can’t date anyone from SBS anymore lol, especially those from the proggie batch. Hopefully we can stay friends or something.

14 Sep: Although the day was pretty shit, the night was somewhat saved when I met up with Tracy for a catchup session. Ate at aston’s, then walked around a bit in JE before heading back. It was a bit of an awkward session somehow but I think it was cuz we were all kinda tired. I need to remember to jio her out next time instead 🙂

15 Sep: Had a pretty fun time doing resin casting for Sculpture class, and made a piece of work I’m pretty proud of apart from its cracking. Then subsequently I did a bit of aging assignment writing and went to Shilifang with Hangwing. It tasted good, had fun with the soups and sauces but was a tad pricey and not really worth it, plus the service was bad also. May have been better with the $9.90+ set. Then finally went to try the bingsu at hillion kopitiam and it won’t be the last time I’m there hehe.

So that concluded my pretty rabak week imo. I don’t think I’ve ever had that sort of interaction before with so many people in such a short duration of time (camp’s not counted, cuz technically you don’t really interact with people on such close proximity plus it’s kinda a random/non-purposeful mishmash of people).

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Lost

I am lost out here at sea,

Can someone come and save me?

I am so tired of living,

I am so tired of being.

The end is so near,

It is almost too much to bear.

No one ever tells you the stress of

Living life on your own terms

Making choices on your own accord

Instead of having your path all laid out for you

The possibilities daunt me

Everything that I could be

But cannot be

Everything I may be

If only I’d try, if only I make the right choices, if only, if only, if only, if only

As illogical as it may be

I am lost out at sea

I am the sailor of my ship

But I have never been one to take the lead

Now that I must, now that I need to,

I find myself falling to my knees.

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It’s just a bad period of time, not a bad day. And you’re only feeling like this because it took a hit on your ego. I know that you are stronger than this and you can always get through whatever comes your way. You need to care less about what others may think about you. It only matters whar you think of yourself. And it’s a good opportunity to learn how to work in a group of people randomly put together towards an outcome. You were supposed to learn that in uni, but you didn’t because you were with the group for most of your uni life. Anxiety is good because it shows that you care. And you still have time to make your final year into a satisfying one. What’s past is past, and you need to focus on the present. 

Gratitude list

  1. I am going home to a homecooked meal with my family.
  2. I am loved.
  3. I am thankful for HW, QH, ZH, YP and SC’s presence in my life.
  4. I am thankful I can chat with V and TY.
  5. I am thankful I am not troubled over money or health issues.
  6. I am in a position of life where I know I can reach great heights if only I am motivated, determined, and focused.
  7. No matter what happens, life goes on.
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Bucket List: Free Activities in Singapore

  • Watch the sunset at the beach on a weekday
  • Fort Canning Park
  • Singapore’s other islands
  • Coney Island
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