without any others

As I headed home tonight, I realized how much more at ease I had become being with myself. I find myself slowing down and becoming more present in my surroundings. As ever, the night was cooling, but tonight I felt the caress of the night breeze against my skin, and the crunch of gravel upon the pavements I walked on. I saw cars and their headlights, and trees with leaves gently swishing in the wind, and other human beings, basking in the night light, just being.

A group of Indian men, workers, hung out, after a day of work. Tomorrow is Sunday. A break. I watched them, confidently, comfortably, and offered a small smile to a man who returned my gaze. It felt powerful – being present. It was something that I had neglected to feel… I had not allowed myself to feel much at all. All these years, I scuttled from one social appointment to the next, as though I could scarcely bear stationing myself alone in this world even for one moment.

It was such a beautiful feeling that I find so difficult to describe – of being one with the world, and the absence of awkwardness, anxiety, and avoidance. The feeling of belonging to the earth, moving with the tide, instead of against it. Of synchrony, harmony – a sweet spot, assimilating myself with the world.

Tonight was another step forward in my consciousness, although I ought to have discovered and assimilated the notion of truly “being alone” many years ago.

We come into this world alone and we will leave this world alone. And along the breadth of our consciousness, we will meet people, and we will spend time with these people, but the majority of our time we will spend alone. It is so important to become comfortable doing things by yourself, with yourself, and it is so important to know who you are and what you want.

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