all at once i knew

that i was not magnificent.

in the silence of the night, myself with myself,

i looked at the decrepit state of my heart and soul

who are you who are you who the fuck are you

what have you become what have you become

and desperately i wish i could restart again

it is so daunting to build things from sand

more so because you got to tear this monstrous thing down

this monstrous thing i wasnt even aware i was building

sometimes i wish i could be gone from this world

and that would be escapism

but i am also selfish because i know there is so much more to life

than this and i

am tired of people leaving and to know that ultimately

i may be the cause of it

i am so tired

of living and breathing and breaking

and i don’t like living with myself

how can i expect someone else to take rest in me

now that i know the terrible thing that i am

at the very least i know that now

and i am not going to get into a relationship anytime soon

i won’t

kill a beautiful thing because of me, me, me

because of how fucked up i am

not again, ever again,

i say to the wind

and maybe all the people i had ever loved

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