emptiness, is,

perhaps normal,

we come into this world alone,

and we will leave this world alone.

maybe loneliness should be embraced – or rather –

aloneness,

it isn’t quite so suffocating when you

are able to do whatever you want

behind a backdrop of morality and righteousness

 

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Brunch, at whim

img_2017-02-26-115314

  • Hashbrowns
  • Sunny Side-ups
  • Sauteed Garlic & Cheddar Mushrooms
  • Cherry Tomatoes

Hashbrowns

The secret is to place the potato pieces into cold water to wash away the excess starch, and then pat dry. I’d do it one potato at a time in the future (and do the other grating while the potato bits are pan-frying).

  • As usual, 2-3mm of butter per medium-sized potato
  • Mix butter, flour, and salt together
  • Pan fry until golden brown and crispy

Sauteed Garlic & Cheddar Mushrooms 

I’ll try white mushrooms next time, a bit more pepper, and just a small sprinkling of salt for taste because it was too salty this time. And also try parmesan instead of cheddar. This one can be added on top of sourdough for another type of brunch 🙂

  • Add butter and olive oil to the pan
  • Add diced garlic and mushrooms
  • Season with salt and pepper
  • Saute for about 5-7 minutes, stirring occasionally
  • Sprinkle with shredded cheddar
  • Top with finely chopped spring onions for garnish

 

Things I want to try making in future:

  • Refining my sauteed garlic & mushrooms recipe
  • Lasagna
  • Beef stroganoff
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Breakeven | The Script (Modified Lyrics)

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while he got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

His best days were some of my worst
While I’m wide awake he’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause he’s moved on while I’m still grieving

(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
Now I’m tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh
‘Cause you left me with no love but honor to my name.

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How to become emotionally mature.

Consciously or unconsciously, we make choices during our key moments, and the quality of our lives is determined by these choices. If we make good choices we grow in confidence, personal effectiveness, and enjoyable relationships (emotional maturity). When we make poor choices we become less effective, eventually feeling like nothing more than a pawn of life circumstances (emotional immaturity).

Our key moments are how we develop emotional maturity. We don’t become more mature when the waters of life are calm and placid and everything is going our way. We grow in maturity when in turbulent, choppy waters. When tempted to act out our fears, hurts, or resentments.

Step 1: Be present. You can’t choose better responses to your key moments if you’re asleep at the wheel. You have to wake up and become fully conscious and present to what is happening both within and around you. If not alert and aware, you’ll quickly slip into old, habitual, negative ways of reacting. Being present does not making responding easy. But it does put you in the driver’s seat.

Sometimes I feel the fear of the uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I’ll let the fear take the wheel and steer

It’s driven me before, and it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I’m beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there, I’ll be there

– Drive by Incubus 

By being present you begin to take your power back.

Step 2: Embrace Reality. At this moment (which is the only moment that is real), what is, is. To be happy and effective, you must acknowledge and respect rather than fight against the realities of your life. Embrace it and find peace. They form the boundaries or parameters within which you live and make choices daily.

Why, then, ’tis none to you, for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. To me it is a prison. Well, then it isn’t one to you, since nothing is really good or bad in itself—it’s all what a person thinks about it.

– Hamlet: Act 2, Scene 2, Page 11

Denying, avoiding, complaining, or refusing to think about uncomfortable realities gives those very things incredible power over your life. Taking ownership of the reality equips yourself to change it.

Step 3: Exercise Responsibility. Responsibility has to do with the choices you make about how to think, feel and act about reality. The quality of your life depends on your ability to make good choices—choices consistent with your best self and long-term best-interest—in spite of what happens to you.

Step 4: Clarify Your Vision. What do you really want? What is most important to you? Being clear about your vision gives you the motivation or incentive to make good choices when in a key moment. It is easy to follow the path of least resistance or act out negative emotions. But, if you’ve thought about what you want, if you have a clear vision of the outcomes you desire for yourself and others, then it becomes easier to delay immediate gratification and exercise the discipline to make a positive and strengthening choice. A clear vision allows you to be ruled by something other than impulse and circumstance. Define what you want. Deepen it so that it becomes more important than what you’re currently getting.

Step 5: Act from Integrity. This is where the rubber meets the road. No excuses. No whining. Acting from integrity is bringing what you say and do into alignment with what you really want. It is acting consistently with your higher vision. It is living by commitment rather than ease, discipline rather than convenience. Acting from integrity requires that you give up short-term payoffs (immediate gratification, escape, avoidance, self-indulgence, revenge, etc.) for something that is bigger or more fulfilling in the long-run. It requires that you pay a price (delay of gratification, quieting your tongue, facing a problem, entering into a difficult conversation, etc.). The price you pay is like your admission into the world of emotional maturity. You’ve earned it.

Adapted from http://www.rogerkallen.com/how-to-become-emotionally-mature/

I am still at Step 3. But I am glad to have wisened up and know the importance of making the right choices that align with my path 🙂 and I am glad that I finally know that now!

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Re-calibrating myself and getting my shit back together

Sent in my first questions email of the semester and feeling mildly put-together again;

Yesterday we met for the first time in 2 months and it was as though nothing much had changed (even though so much had changed) and we were talking like we used to, somewhat

Asshole had to sign off his letter with an endearing term and had to touch my waist briefly before we parted ways too so that was somewhat of an emotional upheaval

I haven’t cried like that ever since two months ago

But you know, I think I’m stronger now, because here I am, with my shit together, and I’m not so easily off-centre now

I think it’s because I’ve accepted things

And even though I did reply him through Whatsapp I’m prepared for no response, and I did say “see you around in school” which signals a lack of commitment

But yeah I think I gotta give myself a pat on the back for still attending all my classes and even eating by myself during peak hour (although that only happened once)

I wouldn’t have done that in the past, both

Yeah I’m strong and I understand myself a lot better now

I’m really run by emotions and I don’t listen to other people’s suggestions; i like to do my own thang even though there are easier ways to do it; i’m a bit of a psychopath because i like to lie and put people down which is terrible

So here are some things I wish to do to improve myself:

  1. Start listening more to my family and closest friends
  2. Keep making good choices and not sink into depression
  3. Head out of home to explore places alone more, build a sense of self and improve on my direction sense haha
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all at once i knew

that i was not magnificent.

in the silence of the night, myself with myself,

i looked at the decrepit state of my heart and soul

who are you who are you who the fuck are you

what have you become what have you become

and desperately i wish i could restart again

it is so daunting to build things from sand

more so because you got to tear this monstrous thing down

this monstrous thing i wasnt even aware i was building

sometimes i wish i could be gone from this world

and that would be escapism

but i am also selfish because i know there is so much more to life

than this and i

am tired of people leaving and to know that ultimately

i may be the cause of it

i am so tired

of living and breathing and breaking

and i don’t like living with myself

how can i expect someone else to take rest in me

now that i know the terrible thing that i am

at the very least i know that now

and i am not going to get into a relationship anytime soon

i won’t

kill a beautiful thing because of me, me, me

because of how fucked up i am

not again, ever again,

i say to the wind

and maybe all the people i had ever loved

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Sane and saner

I’m thankful for all the people who’s made my life relatively saner in spite of everything that has happened.

Specifically, SX, Tracy, KX, Dee, and sometimes, SC. My brother keeps me sane too.

I am thankful. That is enough for me.

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